Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
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