My liver just broke up with me...
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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