i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
