Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
