wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Randomize
