I can't breathe out the right side of my face
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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