so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
