This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize