I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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