you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
