I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Randomize
