ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
