im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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