I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
