I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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