Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize