I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
