I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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