where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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