i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
