Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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