My friends, they love my intelligence
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
His hands were made for my vagina.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize