i was rollin on her like bob the builder
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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