Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Randomize
