I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
