I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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