you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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