what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
