just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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