Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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