remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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