plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
