Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
