Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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