I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
