a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
is that a dick in a sweater?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
