The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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