I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
