thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
