My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
