I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
