unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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