I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
