did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
