"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
