Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize