Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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