she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
