Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
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