I hate your face
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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