listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I can feel your judgement through the phone
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
