I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
