omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
