mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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