Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
