you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
