Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
