So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
